Every time I think things might be kind of okay they end up actually being not okay at all forever

I am reverting back to the emotionally stunted person I was as a teenager who on principle didn’t trust anyone and never outwardly expressed discomfort or pain or anything and just lied about their emotional wellbeing and mental stability forever

Except now instead of it being out of concern that people might be assholes that I do this it’s based on the completely ridiculous assumption that the more I love someone the more likely they are going to abruptly exit from my life in the way that would most hurt me at the time

So basically what I’m trying to say is I love you all and I wish I wasn’t such a broken person but I am and the longer I go the less likely it seems that I am going to make it back to acting like a real human and UGH

I’m sorry in advance for hurting you

Because if you care at all about me I am going to hurt you probably

And I’m so sorry

I just want to sleep